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The simplest Question in this World - How are you really doing ?

Aktualisiert: 20. März 2022

Why can't we ask it ? And how it impacts us, when we were not asked

Imagine a husband asks his wife, a friend asks a friend, a mother asks her daughter, ..... the most simple question: How are you (really doing) ?

Imagine, that the one asking would be really listening, without fixing the other person, without giving pre-planned answers, instead would be there to accompany the person, respond with empathy and be free of pressure to do or perform anything ?

How would that change our relationships ?

What I have experienced and observed across my many transcultural years of life is, there is people who feel generally satisfied in life, not much depending on their circumstances. No matter if they have much money, no matter if they get recognition from others, no matter how productive they are.

Others have a very different sense in life.

They feel an emptiness and loneliness, or they don't feel anything.

They had to shut down their emotions a very long time ago, most of the time without realising it.


Long ago in the past, It was not safe to show yourself.

When you did share about yourself, you were responded to with rejection, disapproval of your person, or with control and violence.

Or long ago there was no one there for you, who would ask you and listen to you: How are you really doing ?

This is traumatising to a person, because we are created for relationships.

We are made to be in vulnerable connection. We were created for bonding. We are beings, that can give and receive LOVE.

Our heart gets injured when we miss out on love and relationships. When we are not nurtured and healed the wound stays open.

It takes deep healing on the heart level.

Are you struggling with one of these :

  • Feeling lonely

  • Being drawn to addictions to numb the pain

  • Feeling ashamed

  • Afraid to show weaknesses, and even more afraid to be vulnerable.

You can stop the ongoing cycle of pain und numbness now:

  • Dare to open up yourself to yourself ! Yes ! To yourself, first !

  • Start imagining, what seeing reality as it is, would look like

  • Belief yourself, that your pain has a good reason

  • Come into connection with another person that can ask you, 'How are you doing really ?', and is there to listen with acceptance for your person, no matter what

It is normal to sometimes get stuck at any of these points. This is a good moment to ask for professional help. A professional helper should be familiar with Complex Trauma/Developmental Trauma, and be trained in a method, that assists you on your way out of trauma.

Yours heartfully,


NARM Practitioner - Counsellor for Complex Trauma/Developmental Trauma

Book your first appointment here:

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